it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
