He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
