When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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