She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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