I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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