Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Sext me about skeletons
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize