We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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