I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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