She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
