You're my little dorito
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
