Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize