My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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