You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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