I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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