also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
