Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
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