So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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