I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize