so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
