look no pants
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
