I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
