why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
