i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
