Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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