I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
