every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize