at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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