i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
