I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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