you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
