I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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