He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
