Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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