his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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