listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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