we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
