I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
