how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
