Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
