u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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