You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
