Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
