If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize