I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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