sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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