I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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