so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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