Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
