When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Couch. On fire.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
