Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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