You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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