don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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