Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
