My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Someone came in the potted fern
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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