Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
