why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This baby is an asshole
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
