Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
