if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize