My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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