he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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