When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
this boner is exhausting
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
