Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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