Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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