I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
