Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
