Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize