i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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