I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
