Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
All the doctor said was why
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
