My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
