I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
