I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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