Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
