Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
