i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
